TRANSCRIPT OF THE NEW VOICE MAIL SERVICE RECENTLY INSTALLED AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE:

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you now.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and you call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and hash keys until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you now.

Thank you, have a nice day

---

Since recieving this email, I have found an mp3 of a similar Answering Machine. It is slightly different - but most of the things are the same.

AnsweringMachines_TheIrishMentalHealthHotline_1.mp3

---

Back to Emails